MANDA

I don't know what I want anymore.
and I have never been the type of girl that just
plays with their emotions.
but I am losing it for him and the feelings aren't very much there anymore!
what am I supposed to do about this?

I hate drama everyone thinks that I am out there
lying to people and making shit up
when the people are making the shit up about me.
I am done with liars and I think I have said it time and time again that I really do only trust one person.
I have other friends yes but I rarely trust them and one
of them has obviously been faking to be my friend this
whole time.
that's not what I want to think about it.
But that's just what it seems.

I am glad I have the best bestfriend in this entire world I couldn't ask for anymore then her.
I love you Angela Layne DeBlock.

Nothing you see is real. Nothing you touch is solid.
Thats an illusion.

Do you hear what theyre all saying? Do you hear them claiming to love, claiming to care? Thats not real. It;s just what they want you to believe.

Over time things become less true.

Everything fades. Nothing is solid.

People can claim one thing and do something else. But its never for you.

Everyone is for themselves; every man for himself.

One for all, all for one.

All the people anyone ever needs is themselves. You are one with yourself. Closed to the outside. Caught up in your own head. Selfish. Some people have good intentions but some are out to ruin you even when they claim to be for you.

Everything for you.

Some people want to help, to see you happy, but no, even this isn't enough, not for them. Not for anyone. This isnt genuine compassion. This is what they do to feel strong. In the end people go back to doing this for themselves.

Every man for himself.

Helping you for their satisfaction. Being there for you to see you weak. To give them the power. I am the superior. I am strong. I am stable. What we need is not to be looked down on. Keep this hidden. Expose yourself to no one. Let everything devour your insides. Every break, every fall. Let it ruin you. That is what we need. Resistance. Control over our emotions. Don't give anyone the satisfaction of knowing your pain.

Every man for himself; All for one one and one for all.

Allow no one to understand whats eating away at your sanity, day by day. No one cares in the end. No one will remember your problem when something else comes along. No tears are pure. Nothing is genuine.

The moral of the story is to tell you that destruction is constructive.
"You gain power by pretending to be weak. By contrast, you make people feel strong. You save people by letting them save you.
All you have to do is be fragile and grateful. So stay the underdog.
People really need somebody they feel superior to. So stay downtrodden.
People need somebody they can send a check at Christmas. So stay poor.
"Charity" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind"

When you realize that nothing you do will ever be good enough, you can move on. At this point, nothing can hurt you. Phased by nothing. When you have no hope, nothing disappoints you.

Pain isn't a surprise anymore.

People will continue to try and break you, but it will be expected, and there will be nothing left to break. They care for you but theyre caught up in themselves. They will forget you.

Pain isnt pain anymore.

The people you once cared about now dont know you at all. they cant know what goes on. Youre hiding.

Every man for himself.

Let them come to you. When someone needs to listen, listen.

Nothing is solid. Everything fades.

Their pain is momentary and you're no longer effected.

Now, you are the open ear, open mic. Listen. Close yourself. Keep it in. No one is welcome inside your house. Open doors let in assassins, and no one will come in and you cant let them hurt you. Walk into others open doors and utilize the advantage.

Youre invincible.

Youre superior.

Now is your time to feel strong. Let them come to you. Let them crawl. Beg, because you don't anymore. You dont feel. The door is shut while theirs is wide open. Feed them what they need and reap the benefits of invincibility.

The moral of the story is that the constructive will self-destruct.



dont tell me im synical or pessimistic cause i know fool, its just that the majority of you are so goddamn disappointing.

I am sooo sore we had dance tonight
just to learn the routine that we are
going to have to perform
when we tryout I am really nervous because I
don't really remember all of it
exactly like I remember most of it.
but eh I am hope I atleast make a team
I wouldn't be disapointed if I only made
JV.


I would have a lot of fun and if I make the team
I am looking forward to becoming close to
all my team members!

Looking in your eyes
Praising every moment because you're my only light
Reading through stares at your passion that bears me now
Shedding no little tears
The silence scares us more than leaving could


Come back
Please don't leave me now
I'll be all that you need in life
Because I can't live without you and
I know all that you need
I can give you everything
When you're so far you'll forget about me

Waiting by your side
Knowing every moment is closer to your flight
Upset with the past, but it's all that holds us now
Believing no lies, telling each other we'll be fine forever



But I'll wait
I could never leave your beautiful eyes
I know you're sorry
I know what you must be going through
And I feel sorry for you

But please don't leave me now




the calendar is marked for the end of june
to remind me that you'll be leaving soon.
but this is all up to you
no turning back
knowing my heart is dead
when you get ready to pack.

Just remember I'll be here thinking of you every moment
every day
thinking of what I could have said to make you stay.




my heart aches that you will be out of my reach sitting here now thinking about how easy it is to feel your touch.
but when you leave you wont be near my grasp.

Tyler.
hahahahhhaahhahahahaa.

I love that kid.
he is the greatest boy I know.
sorry boys but he is.

(just my friend)

HEH BRANDON!!!!!!

ugh.
right now I am finding out who most of my friends are.
people are talking shit about me and back stabbing me every time I turn around.
I really can only depend on myself.
which i guess is okay for me that way I wont ever be turned down or disappointed.

But I know who will always be here for me..
my Angela.

leave me an anonymous comment..

tell me something that you haven't told a lot of people.
Or tell me something that's on your mind.
you can tell me anything just leave it anonymous.

So everytime I like some one different there
is always a slight problem...

1.not my type
2.doesn't want a girlfriend
3.Likes some other girl that doesn't even care about him.
4.they don't like me.


boys are jusut a huge waste of time.

He said that we could be friends
and be fine and get along.

but everything that comes out my mouth is wrong.
I don't understand how this friendship is ever going to work.

I just want him to be my friend and stop making
me cry and feel bad.
i really don't mean to piss him off.
he thinks everything i say is sarcastic when
im being "normal"

Me and charlie aren't dating or together or inlove or good.

we are friends now.

SO STOP ASKING.!

MY MOM JUST TOOK AWAY MY FUCKIN PHONE

heyy.
So I have lost some one really important and special to me.
My Grandma died today.She was such a good person and she loved
life and she loved everyone she met.She loved her grand children her children and her great grand children which would be me and all of my cousins
I never saw her once shed a tear or be angry with anyone
she was always smiling or laughing....

one of my favorite moments with her was when she was playing with
my one year old cousin allison and she was making funny noises at her...
hahahaha
it was so funny but i held in my laughter because i didn't want her to know that i was laughing at her.

but it was definatly the cutest thing ever..
and things like that make me cry every time.



I love you Grandma.

I hope you are watching me type this.

I am so confused right now
it's not even funny.



I dont like hurting people.

but what if it's all for the best!!??

soo basically last night i went to a show with tawni
at the food hole.
And then found out that "blah" was going to be there
which i didn't know how that was going to work out or
if it was going to be awkword.

and it was weird and awkword and kind of made me frusterated
then nikki showed up and told us that she was going to go to cory's house after a while of being at the show but then me and tawni went off and she couldn't find us so we took the max and Brian came and picked us up.
Then we were at cory's and everyone was already drunk then i started drinking....

blah blah blah

LT took us home and then i started throwing up and it was really loud and then Gina (tawni's mom) came in and was like "are you okay?"
and i said "yeah i think i have food poisoning"

and then she asked tawni if we skipped out on the show and went to a party
and she said no.

blah blah blah
more throwing up...
and then this morning i woke up and Gina came in and asked if i was feeling better...

turns out she knew all along that i was drunk and i gopt tawni into trouble.
and she may not be able to go to shows now on top of that gina probably hates me..
and this gives adam another reason to call me childish!!